OPEN ON: A corporate boardroom. Seventeen RASPBERRIES are seated around an octagonal table.

RASPBERRY #1: Raspberries, our task is as simple as it is vital: design a doll that is similar to the iconic Barbie doll, and will compete with it directly, and will ultimately become more successful, thus rendering the accursed Barbie obsolete.

RASPBERRY #2: That’s easy. Here’s what we do: we build an eagle out of bricks, right?

RASPBERRY #3: No, you nitwit! You can’t build eagles.

RASPBERRY #1: Guys, you’re losing the point here!

RASPBERRY #4: Ehh, your goddamn head’s a point.

Several of the RASPBERRIES laugh.

RASPBERRY #5: Yuh fuckin’ pointy-ass head.

The RASPBERRIES laugh more.

RASPBERRY #1: Yo, lay off my head, ya scums. That’s a raspberry head.

RASPBERRY #6: But boss, we’s all got raspberry heads too, and they ain’t pointy like yours!

RASPBERRY #1: Look. Back to work. What would make our Barbie knock-off more successful than Barbie?

RASPBERRY #7: What if it fucked fish?

RASPBERRY #8: Yeah! A whole doll that does nothing but fuck fish!

RASPBERRY #9: Big fish!

RASPBERRY #10: Small fish!

RASPBERRY #11: Yeah, I like it. Gentlemen, let’s construct a Barbie that fucks fish.

RASPBERRY #12: I’m stupid.

All of the RASPBERRIES take turns fucking a STRAWBERRY with a big dick.

BLACKOUT

OPEN ON: A meadow. CAPTAIN OCTOPUS is traipsing through the meadow, wearing eight shoes, smiling gently.

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS: Tra-la-la! Tra-la-la! Traipsing through the mead-ow!

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS notices a TURNIP.

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS: Yo!

TURNIP: Hey, fuckface. Wanna fuck me? ‘Sall good.

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS: Naw man, I don’t fuck turnips.

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS fucks the TURNIP anyway.

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS: Unexpectedly, I like this!

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS fucks the TURNIP more.

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS: I like it a second time!

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS continues to fuck the TURNIP.

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS: And now I like it a third time!

TURNIP: Rule of threes!

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS disengages.

CAPTAIN OCTOPUS: I just invented math, yo. You take a couple numbers, put ‘em next to each other, and then use your eyeballs on ‘em.

TURNIP: Tune in next week for another episode, called “Ronald Reagan!”

The producer of the show, PHINTON “HA-HA” RODENDEMUS, steps out on stage and bows. In a twist ending, this meadow was a stage all along.

A CLOUD: Bye!

OPEN ON: An army base.  A group of army people are talking, including LIEUTENANT-GENERAL SILLY.

LIEUTENANT-GENERAL SILLY: So if the plan holds, we’ll be able to disable their drones with no casualties on our side.

COLONEL ANDERSON: Hm.

LIEUTENANT-GENERAL SILLY: Something wrong, Colonel Anderson?

COLONEL ANDERSON: It’s just, I don’t know, your name is Lieutenant-General Silly.  I expected your plans to be… I don’t know…

LIEUTENANT-GENERAL SILLY: Silly?

COLONEL ANDERSON: Word up, that’s what I meant.

LIEUTENANT-GENERAL SILLY: Why would you think that?  A name is just a name.  My last name got shortened from Sillyocropodopopopolist at Ellis Island.  I am a man of great seriousness.  I can’t even think of any jokes I like.  The only thing I read is newspapers.

COLONEL ANDERSON: Chill, ese.  Just, you know, you hear the name Silly, you form some opinions.

A bunch of DRAGONS run through and eat everybody.

DRAGON #1: Were these the Knights of the Kingdom of the Nameless, our sworn enemies?

DRAGON #2: No, we appear to have killed the wrong men.

DRAGON #1: Then onward!  Onward to destiny!

The DRAGONS leave.  A JANITOR appears.

JANITOR: I suppose I’ll clean up these guys.  But first I’m gonna listen to some Bob Seger songs.  Quite the fan, that’s me.

The JANITOR listens to Bob Seger songs on his iPod.

BLACKOUT

OPEN ON: A street.  A man, PERCY, is there.  He is invisible.

PERCY: Spare change, anybody?  Spare change?

PASSERBY #1: Oh fuck!  What was that!

PERCY: Spare change?

PASSERBY #1 dies.

PERCY: Anybody got some change for old Percy?

PASSERBY #2: Yo, I was on my way to arm-wrestle a lion monster, but I feel pretty unsettled now!

PASSERBY #2 dies.

PERCY: All I want is change.

PASSERBY #3: Hey, how did you become invisible?

PERCY: Funny story, that.

PERCY dies.

PASSERBY #3 becomes invisible.

PASSERBY #3: This is stupid.

PASSERBY #2 comes back to life.

Yo, I gotta go arm-wrestle a lion monster!

PASSERBY #2 dies again.  Everybody else dies.

BLACKOUT

OPEN ON: A place that sells coffee.  Not Starbucks.  A MAN orders coffee.

MAN: I’ll have a black coffee.

BARISTA: Do you want sugar?

MAN: No, I’ll have it black.

BARISTA: No sugar?

MAN: No, just black.

BARISTA: No room for milk or nothing?

MAN: Nope.  No milk, no sugar; just black.

BARISTA: Sweetened?

MAN: No, I’ll have it black.

BARISTA: So, no milk, no sugar, nothing?

MAN: Right.  Just black.

BARISTA: And you don’t need me to leave room for milk?

MAN: That’s right.  I just want a black coffee.

BARISTA: So no milk and no sugar.

MAN: Right.  I’d like it black.

These guys fuck.

BLACKOUT

OPEN ON: Snow Mountain, a mountain made of snow.  Two WALRUSES play Fireball Island.

WALRUS #1: I am not a walrus.

WALRUS #2: Obviously not.

WALRUS #1: I mean, look at me.  Look at this face.  Is this the face of a walrus?

WALRUS #2: Heavens, no.

WALRUS #1: Now, you.  You’re a walrus.

WALRUS #2: Since the day I was born, love.

WALRUS #1: You show me someone who says you’re not a walrus, and I’ll show you an inbred faggot who doesn’t know a walrus from a tabletop.

WALRUS #2: An apt description, sire.

WALRUS #1: But me?  Not a drop of walrus blood in this fine physique.

WALRUS #2: Thoroughly non-walrus, and I don’t say.

WALRUS #1: Why, I’m no more of a walrus than I am a… a snake!  Or a shark.  A tiger shark.

WALRUS #2: A series of animals which you are not!

WALRUS #1: And some have the NERVE to say I am a walrus!

WALRUS #2: Fiends.  Jealous fiends, milord.

WALRUS #1: I’ve a pair of sevens.

WALRUS #2: I’ve the other pair of sevens.

The WALRUSES fuck.  DOCTOR OCTOPUS steals their igloo.

BLACKOUT

OPEN ON: A bank.  SNOW approaches a TELLER.

TELLER: How may I help you today, sir?

SNOW: Informer, you no say daddy me snow me I’ll go blame, a licky boom boom down.

TELLER: Excuse me?

SNOW: Detective man, he says that daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane, a licky boom boom down.

TELLER: Oh.  Wait.  I see.  You’re Snow.  Give me a second.

The TELLER ducks down and comes back up with a humongous ray gun.  She then shoots herself with the gun, transforming into a POLAR BEAR.

POLAR BEAR: Growl!

SNOW: Informer, you no say daddy me snow me I’ll go blame, a licky boom boom down.

The POLAR BEAR hands SNOW four $50 bills.

SNOW: Detective man, he says that daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane, a licky boom boom down.

POLAR BEAR: Growl!

SNOW leaves.  The POLAR BEAR shoots itself with the gun, transforming back into the TELLER.

TELLER: Only polar bears understand Snow!

DOCTOR OCTOPUS robs the bank.

BLACKOUT

OPEN ON: Sesame Street.  BIG BIRD stands near a wall.

BIG BIRD: I wonder what will happen if I touch this wall!

BIG BIRD touches the wall.  He becomes orange.

BIG BIRD: Whoa!  That’s weird.

BIG BIRD touches the wall again and becomes an orange.

BIG BIRD: Oh no!  Now I am fruit!

BIG BIRD touches the wall again.  MARIO from Super Mario Brothers appears.

MARIO: Where’s the coins?  I need the coins!

CUT TO: My bedroom.  I am writing this sketch.

ME: I’m bored.

CUT TO: A gopher cave.  Several GOPHERS are eating a lion.

LION: Stop eating me!

GOPHER #1: Stop eating my dick, uncle!

CUT TO: My bedroom.

ME: This is a terrible sketch.

DOCTOR OCTOPUS steals my nuts.

BLACKOUT

OPEN ON: The house from Mr. Rogers’s Neighborhood.  MISTER ROGERS sits in a chair, knitting a sweater, a pleasant smile on his face.  MISTER ROGERS knits silently for five minutes.  Then, DOCTOR OCTOPUS sneaks across from the left.

DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Bwahahahahaha!

A minute later, DOCTOR OCTOPUS sneaks across from the right carrying all of MISTER ROGERS’s mail.

DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Bwahahahahahaha!

MISTER ROGERS knits silently for another three minutes.

BLACKOUT

OPEN ON: A classroom.  The ASSISTANT DEAN addresses the STUDENTS.

ASSISTANT DEAN: Class, I’m sad to report Professor Teachman can’t come in today because his son Beech Teachman has the gout.  Instead, your substitute teacher will be a puppy named Mipsy.

MIPSY enters.  The ASSISTANT DEAN leaves.

MIPSY: arf arf arf arf arf

STUDENT #1: We were supposed to hand in our papers.  Do you want to collect them?

MIPSY: arf arf arf arf arf

All the STUDENTS place their papers on the teacher’s desk and sit back down.

MIPSY: arf arf arf arf arf

STUDENT #2: I’m afraid I don’t understand.  We were supposed to cover the 1960s anti-war protests?

MIPSY: arf arf arf arf arf

STUDENT #3: Yo, we can’t understand you if you speak puppy.  You have to use words!  In English!

MIPSY: arf arf arf arf arf

STUDENT #1: Fuck this, I’m playing Bingo.

STUDENT #1 begins to play Bingo.

MIPSY: arf arf arf arf arf

STUDENT #2: I’m going to go to the cafeteria!  They have grapes today!

STUDENT #2 leaves.

MIPSY: arf arf arf arf arf

STUDENT #3: Did anybody see the televised debate among the Democratic candidates for New York State Attorney General?  They’re all dicks!

MIPSY: arf arf arf arf arf

DOCTOR OCTOPUS steals MIPSY.

BLACKOUT